Helping Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness

Reviewing How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness by Kathleen McCue, M.A., C.C.L.S., with Ron Bonn. St. Martin's Press, 1994.

When it became evident that we were about to face yet another brain surgery, the third in five years, and this one with a very active and inquisitive two year old observing everything, we knew that we needed to find a book that explained illness in a way that a toddler could understand. Unfortunately, bookstores and libraries were of no help, so we took our search to the Information Superhighway through the Internet.

It was here that we were alerted to a book that is a must for anyone who has to explain an illness to their children: How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness by Kathleen McCue.

This book is geared to all age groups of children, from toddlers to those in their teens and beyond. Topics range from initial diagnosis through treatment, surgeries, therapy, death and many others in between.

But if there is one central message that is stressed in virtually every chapter of this book, it is: "You must tell your children the truth." Ms. McCue hits on this point often for these three reasons:

1. Your children are affected by everything that happens in the family.
2. The more serious the situation, the more they will be impacted.
3. Lying to your children, in any way, will inevitably make things worse.

The guiding principles, from the beginning to whatever the end may be, are openness and honesty. Children can and probably will imagine much worse things than the truth, which is why Ms. McCue feels there should be three main things you tell your children:

1. Tell them you are seriously ill.
2. Tell them the Name of your disease or condition.
3. Tell them your best understanding of what may happen.

And not only does the book deal with telling your children of your illness, but another major area covered deals with your children's reactions to the changes that will occur. Signs that a child may be having difficulty dealing with what is happening may include: sleeping or eating disturbances, fear, developmental troubles (grades dropping, vocabulary or skill declines in young children, silence) and signs and concerns of suicide.

This book also provides excellent guidance in the following areas:

• - Your children's visits to the hospital, which can be a very frightening experience at any age: how to prepare them, and whether a visit is a good idea or not.
• - When the sick parent comes home: how to prepare your children, involve them and deal with their expectations and frustrations.
• - When things get very bad, or won't be getting better, are very definitely difficult times. The book touches on different situations and how to explain them to your children, and also how you and your children can help each other through difficult times.

In the introduction to the book, we found Ms. McCue's rationale for creating this book, and our reason for buying it, reading and re-reading it:

"If you are reading this manual, something terrible and frightening is happening to your family. It is happening to you, it is happening to your partner, and it is happening to your children, and you are worried about them. You want them to come out strong and sound, ready for future happiness and success, whatever the medical outcome."

This is how we felt. My wife was about to face another surgery, the sixth in five years, but this time with a child to be concerned about. She knew Mom was sick and had a boo-boo in her head, and that the doctors were going to try to make her better. But we didn't know how much we should explain to her and expose her to.

How to Help Children Through a Parent's Serious Illness answered the questions we had in a very insightful and informative way. We would recommend this book to anyone who is unfortunately in a position to have the same questions and concerns that we were faced with. This book helped ease the anxiety of not knowing what to say and do and also provided information that we could use immediately and as she grows.

One last point that is true not only for your children but could also apply to family and friends:

"All life is terminal. Even if one's own time is tragically shortened by a medical diagnosis, the end is not yet. There is still time, time for children and parents who love each other to make the most of. Don't try to shield your children from making the most of that time."

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As published in the VHL Family Forum, 3:3, September 1995. For permission to reprint, please contact the VHL Family Alliance, editor@vhl.org. Further information is available from the VHL Family Alliance, info@vhl.org.