The need to gather medical information for oneself or for a VHL-affected child is but one of many worthy reasons adult adoptees and adoptive parents seek to contact birth families. Since most original birth records are sealed, look for support from the adoption reform movement -- a group of birth parents, adult adoptees and adoptive parents who have learned, through suffering, that truth and openness in adoption is the best course.

There's a pervasive myth in our society that an adoptive family can completely replace the adoptee's family of birth. The closed adoption system was built around this myth, which ignores the reality that adopted children are actually blessed with two families. The adoptee's primary family is, of course, the family who chose him and is raising him. But he or she is also genetically and spiritually tied to a family of birth. And in cases where a child's life and health are at stake, it can be deadly to pretend otherwise.

As for the birth mother, understand that she was told, at some point, that she wasn't needed any more and if she really loved her child she would gracefully disappear. Even if she surrendered her child of her own free will, every birth mother is left with a sense of emptiness and loss -- if not regret and resentment -- for it's impossible to "forget and go on as if it never happened." Isolated in secrecy, birth mothers have no way of knowing the emptiness they feel is "normal". So, thinking they have failed yet again, they hold this shame close to their heart in the same dark place where they hide their primal grief over the loss of their child.

To truly understand the dynamics of shame, guilt, disempowerment and loss upon which our system of closed adoption is built, I recommend that, before searching, you read books about adoption issues and how all members of the Triad -- child, birth parents, and adoptive parents -- have been affected. There are several outstanding ones written by Triad members. From Nancy Verrier, an adoptive mother and professional therapist, comes The Primal Wound, which contains a brilliant analysis of subconscious issues for adoptees. Betty Jean Lifton, an adoptee and therapist, has written Lost and Found and Journey of the Adopted Self, two books which examine the adoptee's experience. The Other Mother by birth mother Carol Shaefer will give you a glimpse into that world. Another adoptee, Jean Strauss, has written an excellent book about the reunion process called Birthright. All these books and many others are available from American Adoption Congress (AAC)1 and Concerned United Birthparents (CUB).2

If you want a crash course in adoption issues, attend one of the national or regional conferences sponsored by adoption reform groups such as AAC, Council for Equal Rights in Adoption (CERA),3 and others. Also, there will probably be a Triad support group of some kind in your local area.4 Attending a local group will help you put a human face on this. The group may be able to offer search suggestions and assistance as well.

Other things you can do are: contact your adoption agency, or the lawyer or doctor who helped arrange the adoption. Tell them you need to get in touch with the birth family. Put a release of confidentiality in your file, so that if the birth family is also looking for you, you can be connected.

There are also reunion registries, such as the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR),5 and others maintained by various adoption reform groups or by the state in which the adoption took place. These registries may not accept information for minors, however. In this case, you can petition a judge where the adoption took place to open your child's records. Sometimes they will do this for a medical emergency.

Please note that there is a proposed law which would make it impossible to connect adoptees and birth families. The Uniform Adoption Act would close adoption records irrevocably for 99 years and make it illegal to search. You can help by contacting your legislators to vote "no" when the Bill is presented in your state.

In conclusion, finding your or your child's birth family can also be an opportunity to reshape outdated attitudes about adoption. By giving up the myth that one family can replace another, the adoptive family can embrace its rightful role as the "family of nurture." Then, in a brave new world of openness and truth, we can pull the family of origin from the shadows to stand beside the family of nurture, so each can make its own vital contribution to the special child they both deeply love.

Ann Hughes is the President of Gateway Press, a genealogical publishing house in Baltimore. In 1990, Ann sought and found her 24-year-old birth daughter. She has written a book about her search that she hopes to have commercially published. She will be happy to answer additional questions about this article.

1. American Adoption Congress (AAC), 1000 Connecticut Ave, N.W., Suite #9, Washington, DC 20036.

2. Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), 2000 Walker Street, Des Moines, IA 50317.

3. Council for Equal Rights in Adoption (CERA), 401 E. 74th Street, Suite 17-D, New York, NY 10021.

4. Local support groups are listed in the Blue Book, available from Blue Book, Box 230643, Encinitas, CA 92023-0643 ($14.50).

International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR), P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, NV 89702.

Additional resources: Adoptees Liberties Movement Association (ALMA) connects adoptees and birthparents. (212) 581-1568. Adoptive Parents for Open Records, 9 Marjorie Drive, Hackensack, NJ 07840.

As published in the VHL Family Forum, 3:4, December 1995. For permission to reprint, please contact the VHL Family Alliance, editor@vhl.org. Further information is available from the VHL Family Alliance, info@vhl.org.