Keeping Faith

What happens to your faith when you're told that you have a brain tumor, and it's inoperable, or you're going to be paralyzed, or you're going to be blind, and when it's taking all your strength — every ounce — to recover, working in therapy, over and over. When you know that you absolutely cannot deal with the statement you have another brain tumor. Sometimes your faith is enhanced, and sometimes it is destroyed.

Obviously over the years I have had moments of doubt and fear like we all have. I, like each one of you, have experienced the normal reactions of fear, denial, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. However God can be, and wants to be, your pillar of strength in all these stages of coping. The Bible teaches us people have always experienced tremendous adversity. It also teaches us God was present for those individuals and is present to us today.

We all know the story of Job. Besides his other losses, he lost his health, experienced terrible pain, and even lost his friends. Sound familiar? There were times when Job questioned God. Many people of great faith question God at one time or another. I certainly have. However, these individuals also maintain their faith. For me, that's what it's all about — maintaining faith in adversity, faith in the midst of fiery trials. How is this accomplished? I believe it is a gift. For me, it has been an answer to prayer. I have always prayed for the faith and strength to persevere, and God has been faithful.

As someone dealing with "aggressive" VHL, as my physicians always refer to my case, and as a pastoral counselor, I believe attitude not only affects coping skills, it also affects health, and particularly recovery. I decided long ago that my glass was half full, not half empty. I try to dwell on what I can still do, not what I have lost to VHL or what I can no longer do. I concentrate on what I have, and I have many blessings. Besides the fact that I am here today, I have a wonderful supportive wife and a long-awaited beautiful daughter. Because of VHL I have had to leave my former career. But God doesn't close a door without opening a window. I took the opportunity to pursue pastoral counseling. I think I might understand what people are dealing with who are suffering from chronic illness.

In short, over the years, I have learned when life deals you lemons, make lemonade. I don't mean to make any of this sound trite, or that it's been easy for me to maintain a positive attitude -- ask my wife. It hasn't been easy. She's the one who has been my role model for a positive attitude. She taught me to dwell on what I have. I question, I have doubts.

There are times that I feel I simply can't go on — I can't do it. Not one more scan, one more surgery — sometimes not even one more doctor appointment, as ridiculous as that sounds. I just can't do it. But at these times I go to God. I read my Bible, I listen to inspirational music. I have found reading Psalms can be very encouraging. Many books have been written on maintaining faith in adversity. I have found several extremely helpful, such as Where is God when it Hurts? and Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey, When You Can't Come Back, was especially significant to me, by Dave Trebecky. When Bad Things happen to Good People, by Rabbi Kushner, or Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back, and For Those Who Hurt by Charles Swindoll.

In For Those Who Hurt, Rev. Swindoll addresses the question of why we suffer. I was particularly impressed with this book. I was able to apply his ideas to my own life. In it he explains biblical reasons for pain. One is that through our pain we are better able to help other people experiencing pain. We all know this is true; it is the entire basis for support groups such as the Alliance. No one understands better than someone who has been there. Through our pain we are better able to help each other.

The other major point he makes is that if we learn to trust in God, we are not alone in our pain. Sometimes we do experience difficulty coping, sometimes it is necessary to seek assistance. Friends and loved ones may not be able to help us. This is when counseling can be extremely helpful. There are many qualified individuals who can assist us with the tough questions. I'm not just saying that because I'm a pastoral counselor.

One of the difficult questions for me — perhaps the most difficult — has always been: Where are you, God? Where are you? After all these years, I think I've learned the answer. He is always here, with me. And when I can't seem to find him, I just need to look closer. Maybe we aren't looking in the right places for God. But when I look closely I can see Him.

I see Him in my family, who love and support me; in my friends, who have always been there for me; and I see Him in the little things, like a medical bill paid by someone who cares at a time when I honestly didn't know where the money was going to come from. I could see Him when all my friends sent me on a surprise vacation to Disney World when I was not doing well medically. And I really saw Him in the hearts of the physicians who have worked with me with loving care, and all the researchers who are working so diligently on this disease. I see Him in all of you — in your strength, your courage, your ability to persevere. I could see Him in the starting of the VHL Family Alliance, which was the answer to many prayers, especially to my wife.

So where is God? He is here, with each of us, during every scan, every procedure. He is here with us, helping us, guiding us, and in the words of Rev. Swindoll, he has a special love for those who hurt. Because of VHL my wedding was postponed for two years while I recovered from a very serious operation. I missed both my graduations from high school and college when I received my bachelor's degree (brain tumors). However, in just a few weeks, I will graduate, on stage with my classmates, and receive my degree in pastoral counseling. I hope to work with individuals dealing with chronic illness.

My personal goal is to take this illness, this challenge, and transform it into something positive in my life, and give back what has been given to me. Please pray for me, and I will certainly pray for each of you. Together, and with God's help, we can make VHL stand for Very Happy Life.

When Mariah Carey was asked the meaning of the song "Hero," she replied, "It is the hero that we all have deep within us—the ability to overcome obstacles. We are all heros." The lyrics speak to the loneliness, the despair that all people face at one time or another. But if we keep our faith, hold onto our dreams, we eventually find a way. The Hero, the inner strength, in each one of us emerges, and we find the strength to carry on. As Mariah Carey says, "Look inside you and be strong, and you'll finally see the truth, that a Hero lies in you." The next time you hear this song, remember that I dedicate it to the Hero in each and every one of you.

References: Mariah Carey, Hero, (Sony Songs, 1993) Philip Yancey, Were Is God When It Hurts? (Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1977). Philip Yancey, Disappointment With God (Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1988). Dave Drabecky, When You Can't Come Back (Harper, New York, 1993). Rabbi Harold Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People (Schocken, New York, 1981-89). Charles Swindoll, Two Steps Back (Nashville, Tennessee, 1980). Charles Swindoll, For Those Who Hurt (Zondervan Publishing).

Ben Carson, M.D., Gifted Hands (Washington, D.C., 1990)

About Craig, by Susan Warnick

Craig Warnick lost his courageous battle with VHL January 2, 1997. To all who knew him he was an inspiration, not only by fighting his disease with grace and courage, but by living with optimism, faith, and determination. To me, he was my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life.

I met Craig when I was 14 years old. It was love at first sight. He was the all-star athlete; I was the cheerleader on the sidelines. I knew then that I was going to marry Craig Warnick: we would get married, have two children, and live happily ever after. However, our plan was not the same as God's plan.

In 1974, Craig's senior year of high school, he developed his first brain tumor. It was misdiagnosed for months, until it became a crisis. He missed his entire senior year of high school — and still was voted Most Athletic and Best All Around Senior.

Four years later, another more extensive brain tumor emerged, in a very dangerous position, and for the first time the doctors realized it was von Hippel-Lindau disease. We were engaged, planning a September wedding, following Craig's college graduation in May. Once again, plans changed. The surgery left him with severe deficits. It was going to be hard work to regain his faculties, but we devised a plan of action and set to work. I sought out the best treatment for Craig, and was determined to help improve treatment for VHL. I obtained a degree in nursing and began working in neurosurgery. We chose not to waste time and energy on negative thoughts, but used that time and energy for prayer and faith. Much of the time it felt like the two of us against the world, but we had each other, and we promised each other we would beat this thing.

After a 2-year struggle, against all the doctors' predictions, Craig walked down the aisle on our wedding day, June 7, 1980. Although he made a miraculous recovery, he would never be the athlete he had been in college. He accepted this with gratitude for what he did have.

I searched for a support organization for VHL. Even though it was rare, there had to be others out there struggling with the same situation. It was much too heart wrenching to think we were fighting this alone. However, every time I began to make progress setting one up, Craig became ill again. It was not until years later that Joyce Graff, Peggy Graham and I pooled our efforts and the VHL Family Alliance was established.

Craig had a particularly aggressive case of VHL, with multiple tumors in every place VHL can occur. Yet together in that struggle, we had a fulfilling life together and loved each other immensely. We never lost hope that the next treatment would bring a respite, or that the long-awaited "cure" would be found. We needed to keep Craig alive and maintain the quality of his life until there was something to slow down the tumors.

In his autobiography, Gifted Hands, Dr. Benjamin Carson, Craig's neurosurgeon, recounted Craig's most life-threatening surgical procedure in 1978. He said he had not expected Craig to survive that surgery, and that his time after that was "a gift." Every day of these last 20 years has been Craig's personal victory. He not only survived, he reached goals most people thought he could not attain. He was a loving father who will remain extremely influential in his daughter's life. Recently our 5-year-old daughter said, "Things are very difficult for us now, Mommy, but I remember how hard Daddy tried when things were very difficult for him." Craig's battle is won; he is at peace; he is my Hero. -- Susan Warnick [Return to text]

As published in the VHL Family Forum  5:1, March 1997. For permission to reprint, please contact VHL Family Alliance, editor@vhl.org. Further information is available from the VHL Family Alliance, info@vhl.org.

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