Well -- today is a special day. As Mark so kindly pointed out to me this monring, this is the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis! A whole year ...

By the way -- I mentioned this in my support group this morning, and it was the unanimous decision that, since this is an anniversary, I should celebrate! Now, Mark, I know you are really busy and probably won’t be home until late tonight, so I won’t insist on dinner and dancing. Flowers might be nice, though!

Anyway, since it is a significant milestone for me, I thought I would set down a few of my thoughts about this incredible year. Now I don’t often say it, but I will admit that there has been a lot of hell in my life since this diagnosis, but that isn’t what I want to think about today. Despite the pain and fear and horror, I feel like I have gained a lot too, and that is what I want to share.

I feel rather like, in the car trip of life, that this last year has been a wierd detour. I was suddenly sent off the main highway onto an unknown road, without any warning at all. (Well, okay, there was warning, but I couldn’t read the signs.) It is a twisty road and there was no way to turn around. I don’t know where it comes out, or if it ever even joins the main highway again. It is not a road I would choose and I am still not thrilled about being there. However, even though I would never have chosen this road for myself, I can’t help but notice that along the way there are some glipses of unbelievably beautiful scenery. And I find myself driving a little slower, and admiring these views a little more, and I think when I get to wherever this road is leading me, I will like that view a whole lot better for what I have seen here.

I have also learned a lot in this last year, about myself, about others, and about life in general. I know I can’t put it all into words, but I would like to share some of the most important lessons with you:

- You never know how much you can stand until you are put to the test.
- It is okay to cry in front of other people and to let others cry in front of you.
- Being "just human" is okay -- even when others seem to expect you to be superhuman.
- Even in the darkest moments, you can always find something to laugh at.
- Sometimes the only way to take control of your life is to let go of all control and put yourself into someone else’s hands.
- When you have mouth sores, grape jello is truly the food of the gods.
- At 3 am, a kind-hearted nurse truly is an angel.
- Doctors are human beings -- just people like the rest of us.
- It is okay to ask for help.
- Don’t ever leave anything white on a hospital bed, it will get carted away with the laundry.
- There is no way to be sneaky or tip-toe quietly when you are wearing floppy slippers!

Finally, the most important thing that I have learned this last year is that there is a lot of love out there in this world. I always knew that, but until my life changed with this cancer I never really experienced it. For a very long time, I have tried very hard to love people, but a part of me was always afraid to open up and let people love me back. I was always afraid of being hurt or rejected, or worst of all, letting the love in only to have it go away. Of course, there were always some exceptions -- thank you, Mark, my angel! -- but those were hard-fought battles.

After I was diagnosed with cancer, my whole world changed. Suddenly I found that I couldn’t do it all by myself and that I had to depend on people -- both physically and emotionally. So, for the first time since I was a child, I just let go of the fear and let people in. What a revelation! Not only didn’t the love go away, it got stronger. In letting people love me, I was able to learn how to truly love them. In opening up myself to the world I was able to let the world open up to me. And that truly is the greatest give this disease has given me. I like myself better, I like the world better, and I think I have learned how to really love.

This is not to say that I still don’t have bad days, that there aren’t times when I just want to throw a pot at anyone who walks into the room. It just means that now I can feel like that and still know that the love will be there when everyone comes out from cover -- and that I will still be able to love when the pots come flying at my head.

And now, I know I have said it before, but today it means even more -- thank you to each and every one of you for being there with me this last year! Thank you for all your prayers and all your love -- and every single kick in the pants you have given me when I deserved it. And most of all, thank you for opening yourselves and letting me love you the way you have loved me.

Here’s to many more years of love and lessons!

for a long time

it had seemed to me that life was about to begin

real life --

but there was always some obstacle in the way

something to be got through first

some unfinished business

time still to be served a debt to be paid

then life would begin

AT LAST

it dawned on me that the obstacles

were my life

- b. howland

As printed in the VHL Family Forum 7:4, December 1999. For permission to reprint, please contact VHL Family Alliance, editor@vhl.org. Further information is available from the VHL Family Alliance, info@vhl.org.

mystory