Issues for Adoptees with VHL

A chat with Ann Hughes, President of Genealogical Publishing,
Baltimore, Maryland, January 16, 2000.

Ann Hughes: I am a reunited birthmother who has been around the adoption reform movement since 1988.

Chatter: I am of trying to find my birth parents, but without the names it’s hard. Where should I start?  I'm living in England.

Ann Hughes: In England the phone number is +44-1865-875-000 for the support organization in Oxfordshire called NORCAP.  The contact person is Linda Savell. There’s a natural parent network at 3 Ashdown, Dr. Mosley Common, Manchester M28 1BR. Also, go back to the adoption agency where the adoption took place and see if they can give you any information.  I highly recommend that anyone considering a search spend some time reading about adoption issues and find a support group to talk about adoption issues.  They have information about the process, and that’s what you need.  I’m not an expert on out-of-country adoption, but I recommend contacting Joe Soll at cera@idt.net who runs support groups and is in touch with many many organizations across the country and beyond.

Chatter: Would Joe be a good contact for someone from California?

Ann Hughes: He’s a good contact for anyone searching. He’s an adoptee who is also an adoption psychologist. I’m currently editing his new book: Adoption Healing – a real must-read for anyone considering a search. It should be available in April 2000.

The adoption Triad consists of the three parties to adoption: birthparents, the child who is surrendered or adopted, and the adoptive parents. I’m a reunited birthmother. I surrendered my daughter for adoption in 1966 and found her in 1990. What I can speak on is the emotional dimension of adoption and search.

Chatter: I understand that reuniting people is not always a win-win situation.

Ann Hughes: One thing is always a win: knowing instead of not knowing. You may not like the result you get, but you have a right to know as much as you can find out about who you are and where you came from. To me, that’s a win, regardless. Relationships can take time to develop. Even if the person you’re finding isn’t ready to talk to you today, they may be by next year. Don’t give up.

Chatter: In addition, in our community there’s the added dimension of wanting or needing to know about the family medical history.

Ann Hughes: That certainly makes it even more urgent that the "normal" search – but easier in a way, in that you will never doubt that it’s your right to know.  It’s easy to get stopped by your considerations sometimes. One of those considerations is the law.

Chatter: What about the laws? How much of a blockade is there?

Ann Hughes: In the U.K. records are open. In the US, they are closed in all but five states. That doesn’t mean there isn’t an urgent need to search, however, and there are many other ways to search. The laws in this case are inhumane, in my opinion.

Chatter: Is it recent that records are open in the U.K.?  What have we learned from their experience?

Ann Hughes: They have been open for 10-20 years. They are open in most of Europe. They are probably open in the Netherlands. But adoptions of children from foreign countries like Korea or Mexico are more complicated to trace.  We have learned that there are NOT terrible consequences, and that the truth is always better. It really urks me that "the opposition" always finds a few birthmothers who claim their lives will be "ruined" if anyone finds out they had given up a child for adoption 30 years ago. 95% of birthmothers do NOT feel that way – they welcome knowing that their children are okay.  The first thing is to give yourself permission to search.

Chatter: A second hurdle might be convincing your adoptive parents that the search doesn’t mean you don’t love them

Ann Hughes: The search has nothing to do with your adoptive parents and how good their parenting was. It’s about the adoptee knowing more about himself or herself. Only if the adoptive parents did a good job in the first place will the adoptee think he or she deserves to claim their whole heritage. The adoptive parents should take it as a compliment. The adoptee has always come from two families.  When people acknowledge that, they can be healthier.

Chatter: Why should they take it as a compliment?

Ann Hughes: Because they have raised a child who has the spirit to stand up for who she is and her right to know the whole truth. It’s not as if the birthfamily hasn’t been there in the adoptive home the whole time – like a ghost. Why not bring it out of the shadows?

Chatter: How can a support group help in the process?

Ann Hughes: In the support group you can see the whole range of possibilities and stages. You’ll see people who are just considering a search, people who are searching but haven’t found, people who have found but not contacted, and people who are in reunion. From them, you can learn the emotional ups and downs that are part of the process and be able to measure your own experience. You can also gain sympathy from others who have gone through the same process, etc. You can role-play with them to prepare yourself for reunion. Find out what books will be helpful, and what steps to take next in your search. You can also have someone to commiserate with you when you get blocked – start seeing that the process itself teaches you much about yourself.

Chatter: What if the outcome is unhappy? What if you find out that your mother or father died, or is very sick, with VHL or something else?

Ann Hughes: At least you know. And maybe there are others in the family who can help you get the information you need. It gives you some of your social and genealogical history at the very least.

Chatter: I heard of one person with VHL who searched, and found that the birthmother had died within a year of surrendering her child. But he also found some cousins with VHL who have been a wonderful new source of family support.

Ann Hughes: The thing is, there’s a whole other group of people to whom you belong. You are not alone. You are connected. So often adopts feel so DIFFERENT, so UNCONNECTED. This is your birthright as a human being to claim all your connections. Adoptees are just connected in two places instead of one.

Chatter: Ann, tell us a bit about your book.

Ann Hughes: My book is called Soul Connection.   It’s about my experience getting pregnant out of wedlock, what I learned from that experience, and how I searched for my birthdaughter later, using spiritual process. The records were closed in my state, and my adoption agency wouldn’t help, so I used the higher forces of the universe to search. It’s a WILD ride with a happy ending. It was not easy, but it’s easily the best thing I’ve done.

Chatter: Ann, thank you very much.  We are very grateful to you for being with us today.

Ann Hughes: It's been nice meeting you all.  Good luck with your journeys.  Your life is a challenge, and challenges are only given to very strong people. Go for it!

Ann's website is at www.freeyellow.com/members6/1999soul and her book is available for purchase through VHLFA's Amazon.com webstore.